Thursday, March 28, 2013
Last day...
Today is the last day in my entire life that I can say, "This day last year my mother was alive."
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Social Media is Killing the Social Critic
This is going to be quick. I hope I someday come back to
this as I have a LOT of thoughts about it.
My friend Pam told me today she’s annoyed with Facebook. “Nobody
talks on Facebook anymore,” she said. “They just post pictures and share
videos.”
As it happens this coincides with a good example of why
abstaining from social media has been weird these last 40-some days.
Like I said before, Nikki is on social media diet but
Bariatric Foodie is not. But when I use Facebook as Bariatric Foodie I cannot
see what’s going on in the general populace of Facebook, only what relates to
my page (which is mostly connected to other health and nutrition outlets).
Well today I notice everyone’s profile picture seems to be
an equal sign. I’m assuming this is in reaction to the Supreme Court hearings
on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage. I also assume those who
changed their profile picture to an equal sign are supportive of same-sex
marriage.
I think this is the power and the curse of social media,
frankly. The power is that people can communicate, affirm, deny and rebuke
things en masse very quickly. And with social influence, those decisions can
easily become movements that affect social change.
The curse is that all this is being done without a lot of
discourse.
Discourse? Yes, discourse.
Back inna day people used to talk about these things and
debate them. Those who relished a good debate (present company included) would
go point for point against people with opposing thoughts. We’d examine and
cross-examine each other’s arguments, looking for fallacious thinking, biases
or bigotries — and we’d expose them!
Now there is an equal sign as your profile picture. And that’s
all you need to say about it.
But when I see that icon, I wonder, “why?” Why do you
support gay marriage? (Not that I don’t support it but still) Do you know why?
Or is it because everyone else does? Does this issue affect your moral
platform? Does it partially define who you are as a person? It probably does
because if you support same sex marriage one could easily assume you are at
least a little bit egalitarian, open to change, maybe you’re compassionate or
maybe you’re just practical (denying gays marriage is a messy business since
they have forged forward with creating families and shared property and
whatnot).
So why? I’d like to know. And why not (if not)? No matter
where I sit on this or ANY issue, I can stand to learn something new. And your
perspective might be something new I need to learn. But I’ll never know that if
we don’t talk about it, if we don’t engage in discourse.
To me, the whole thing is a sad testament to our society.
Political correctness has become this religion to which we have prescribed. The
religion of “being a good person.” In this religion (which I believe to be an
attempt to take God out of the equation but that’s a whole other blog post) the
supreme value is political correctness. And the etiquette is to make a stand
without offending anyone, which is a most obvious oxymoron in my opinion.
Social media, being what it is and evolving the way it is
evolving, serves as a perfect platform for this religion. It is a space where
you don’t HAVE to state your beliefs or engage in discourse if you don’t want
to. In fact, with sites like Twitter, you are actually encouraged NOT to.
Instead you have icons. Equal signs that you make into your profile pictures en
masse. Those are your proxy votes. They speak for you because you choose, for
whatever reason, not to speak for yourself.
I’m not quite sure how to feel about that. On the one hand
it has the power to undermine unjust systems (a digital “Underground Railroad”
if you will). But on the other hand it drives our society, culturally, toward a
view of the world that discourages friendly debate impassioned discourse,
agreeing and disagreeing in “gentlemanly” ways. I kind of miss that about the
world. And I for one can begin to see the lack of critical thinking skills this
new way of communicating is promoting. Frankly, I’m not sure most people know
HOW to put together a good argument or defend it. And do people even know
fallacious arguments when they see them? Or is everything a function of
marketing, and by virtue of marketing, anything can be right and logical?
I dunno. More questions than answers on this one.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Nikki's Standard
It occurs to me that I don't have a standard, or a code of conduct by which I live.
I mean sure I live my life by the basic principles of Christianity and of the ever-popular "decent person" standard. But I'm talking about a personal standard, tailor made for my unique challenges in life. So I got to thinking about this during spin class (exertion = good latent thought for me) and here's what I've come up with so far. This, of course, is a work in progress.
I mean sure I live my life by the basic principles of Christianity and of the ever-popular "decent person" standard. But I'm talking about a personal standard, tailor made for my unique challenges in life. So I got to thinking about this during spin class (exertion = good latent thought for me) and here's what I've come up with so far. This, of course, is a work in progress.
- I will not let anyone - be it man, woman, child, old, young, romantic interest, friend or family member - distract me from the things I need to do to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit.
- I will not apologize for things over which I have no control.
- I will not apologize for who or what I am - regardless of if I have control over it - because I am a work in progress and learn from each experience I have.
- When I feel lonely, I will look to God before looking to false idols.
- I will care for my body because it is the vehicle through which I travel life.
- I will care for my mind because it is a gift and a tool.
- I will care for my spirit because it belongs not to me, but to God.
That's where I left off when I said to myself, "Hey, I ought to write this down!" So I did.
Saturday, March 09, 2013
Touch
"Set a guard over my mouth, O lord
keep watch over the door of my lips
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil
to take part in wicked deeds
with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies."
~Psalm 141:3-4
Just recently I decided to stop. Stop tap dancing for attention. Stop trying to hustle may way around my shortcomings. Stop apologizing for who I am not. And just be.
Funny how when you do that, your real need comes to the surface REALLY quickly. The other day I was brooding because the latest guy in the string of guys who make up guys I have dated was not calling me back. I was miffed. And resentful. But very unwilling to just give him the boot. So I began to think about why. Touch.
Hardly anyone hugs me anymore. Nobody holds my hand or caresses my face. There is no significant someone to lay a casual hand on my knee or the small of my back. Every once in a while I get a rare, yet treasured, hug from one of the girls. And of course the dog. The dog has an forever curious nose that will give a nuzzle in exchange for the right to sniff you down.
But I miss being touched and having someone else to touch.
This is not necessarily sexual (although probably partially). Every month I treat myself to a deluxe pedicure and it is pure joy. To feel the warmth of a human hand on my feet. To experience the grittyness of the scrubs they use and the warmth of the water and all the while direct contact with another human being whose job it is to put me at ease. I mean, pretty feet are nice, but the draw is the touch.
But I've been going about this in totally the wrong way. I WAS making it sexual, because that's the easiest way to generate touch in a touchless life. But what I'm coming to realize is that I want that deeper connection inferred by touch. I want the hand on my knee because it is reassuring me that I am safe and loved. I want the nudge of encouragement because someone believes in me and wants me to know it. I want the hug and the kiss on the cheek because someone knows I miss my mother very much and I need some comfort.
Frankly, you can't get that stuff from a booty call. So here I go again...taking yet another hiatus from male/female relations (or at least an intentional efforts toward the same) in an effort to get a better grasp on exactly what it is I need. Because I feel like if I can clearly articulate what I need then I have a better chance of getting it.
Until then, it's me and the dog.
Friday, March 08, 2013
Halftime Report!
And we've reached the midway point (sorta). 21 more days to go!
In general, I've been thinking a lot about the following scripture:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
In the same way I think children model their parents, this is a way that children of God can model God. It's something toward which I am gravitating (not saying I am anywhere near God!).
I do things that other people consider strange. I've been told I'm "too honest." At times, "too generous." (That, by the way, is SO not true.) Too giving.
Well, I've made a decision in my life. I think I actually made it a long time ago. To try to live by the spirit, not by the world's rules. God gave me an amazing gift. When I get out of my own way and "hush up" (as my grandma would have said), I can hear God speaking to me. And when I listen (not nearly often enough), He leads me to do things that don't make sense to most people. But I trust Him. He is my rock and my stronghold. And thus far, He has never led me wrong.
So I try my best to listen for the Holy Spirit, to hear what God has to say to me. What purpose does He have for me in this world? Love, always. That's really the only underlying message of the bible (sorry fans of the Davinci Code!). But what new ways can God reveal His love to me. And in what ways can I share that love with others? And in what ways will that love bless someone else?
It's sort of fun to think about: that chain reaction. Me loving you loving someone else loving someone else. That thought makes me feel very good.
So far as Lent promises, all three of us in the Massie-Murray household are holding strong. The other day I went to log onto Facebook as Bariatric Foodie and somehow got taken to my personal account. There are a lot of notifications there. And messages. I did not check them. Frankly, I ran away from them as fast as I could!
I use the term "drinking the Kool-Aid" facetiously sometimes. But I think that's what Facebook is in my life. When I let it, it becomes very important. Too important. I become too dependent. It's slow going so far but in these last few weeks I've learned to sit with me. Be still with me. And some surprising feelings have come to the surface. Some things about myself that I don't like very much and want to change.
I'm working on it. But thank GOD that God's ways are not my ways. That His ways are higher than mine. Because what kind of trouble would I be in - would we ALL be in - if His standards were the same as mine?
Yikes!
In general, I've been thinking a lot about the following scripture:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
In the same way I think children model their parents, this is a way that children of God can model God. It's something toward which I am gravitating (not saying I am anywhere near God!).
I do things that other people consider strange. I've been told I'm "too honest." At times, "too generous." (That, by the way, is SO not true.) Too giving.
Well, I've made a decision in my life. I think I actually made it a long time ago. To try to live by the spirit, not by the world's rules. God gave me an amazing gift. When I get out of my own way and "hush up" (as my grandma would have said), I can hear God speaking to me. And when I listen (not nearly often enough), He leads me to do things that don't make sense to most people. But I trust Him. He is my rock and my stronghold. And thus far, He has never led me wrong.
So I try my best to listen for the Holy Spirit, to hear what God has to say to me. What purpose does He have for me in this world? Love, always. That's really the only underlying message of the bible (sorry fans of the Davinci Code!). But what new ways can God reveal His love to me. And in what ways can I share that love with others? And in what ways will that love bless someone else?
It's sort of fun to think about: that chain reaction. Me loving you loving someone else loving someone else. That thought makes me feel very good.
So far as Lent promises, all three of us in the Massie-Murray household are holding strong. The other day I went to log onto Facebook as Bariatric Foodie and somehow got taken to my personal account. There are a lot of notifications there. And messages. I did not check them. Frankly, I ran away from them as fast as I could!
I use the term "drinking the Kool-Aid" facetiously sometimes. But I think that's what Facebook is in my life. When I let it, it becomes very important. Too important. I become too dependent. It's slow going so far but in these last few weeks I've learned to sit with me. Be still with me. And some surprising feelings have come to the surface. Some things about myself that I don't like very much and want to change.
I'm working on it. But thank GOD that God's ways are not my ways. That His ways are higher than mine. Because what kind of trouble would I be in - would we ALL be in - if His standards were the same as mine?
Yikes!
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Mirrors
Yep...that's me. That's the girl woman who lives inside this body.
I took this picture in the bathroom (as you might notice). One of my challenges to myself is to get right with mirrors. It's hard after massive weight loss to get right with mirrors. So many things go into the reflection we see in the mirror.
I'm trying to work up the courage to do a full body pic at the gym. I am pretty good with head and shoulders pictures. I'm good with close-ups. Even profiles. BUT you start trying to photo my midsection and I get all insecure.
That's why I honestly think the plastic surgery element is essential in the weight loss surgery process. Because even though I've had plenty of time to sit with this body, I don't love it as much as I should. Frankly, when I am naked, I think I looked better at 300 lbs. My breasts were fuller, my hips rounder. Now there are curtains of skin hanging everywhere. The skin tugs at my muscles and I can feel it. It bugs me so bad I rarely go without a bra of some sort on and I wear older (read: looser-fitting) shapewear even to bed sometimes. And I have muscles underneath all of that. I really do! I'd love for them someday to be the showcase and not the afterthought.
S'anyway, what was this post supposed to be about? Oh yes. Mirrors. I have mixed feelings about them. But I'm trying to make peace.
Monday, March 04, 2013
Argh!
This is the portion of the program where Nikki gets really mad at herself for acting stupid!
Sigh. Why, why, why, why, why? Will I never learn???
I've been thinking about my attention whoring of the past few...um...YEARS and I'm a bit horrified by it all. Good grief!
This is what I meant by there being parts of my pre-surgery self that I miss. #ObeseNikki did not need constant texts, Facebook check-ins, POF surfing, email, Tweets and Google + to feel complete. She needed MAYBE a good book, an empty journal, an Erykah Badu CD and a good smelling incense.
WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME???
It's like this self-involved...monster...has crawled in my gut and has taken over and I don't like that bitch very much. Don't get me wrong. That spirit in #ObeseNikki is still there. She's still fighting. SHE is the one telling me I don't need this bullcrap. That I am worthy of my own accord. That there's nothing in the quiet that will hurt me. That I LIKE being gentle with myself and that I end up feeling much better for it.
Sigh...#ObeseNikki mindset...I am rooting for you girl! Because something...oh yes SOMETHING...has gotta change.
Sigh. Why, why, why, why, why? Will I never learn???
I've been thinking about my attention whoring of the past few...um...YEARS and I'm a bit horrified by it all. Good grief!
This is what I meant by there being parts of my pre-surgery self that I miss. #ObeseNikki did not need constant texts, Facebook check-ins, POF surfing, email, Tweets and Google + to feel complete. She needed MAYBE a good book, an empty journal, an Erykah Badu CD and a good smelling incense.
WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME???
It's like this self-involved...monster...has crawled in my gut and has taken over and I don't like that bitch very much. Don't get me wrong. That spirit in #ObeseNikki is still there. She's still fighting. SHE is the one telling me I don't need this bullcrap. That I am worthy of my own accord. That there's nothing in the quiet that will hurt me. That I LIKE being gentle with myself and that I end up feeling much better for it.
Sigh...#ObeseNikki mindset...I am rooting for you girl! Because something...oh yes SOMETHING...has gotta change.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Feelings
Dealing with some feelings of inadequacy right now. And they come up in the funniest ways.
Today's bout started with a guy I met. (This, by the way, is why I generally limit my exposure to guys. I don't know why I put so much currency in what they say, do and think but I do and it screws me up every time!)
He didn't do anything wrong. We met, we talked, we sort of hit it off and decided to do the proverbial first "coffee date" to see if we clicked (we met online). It was a pleasant coffee date, but at the end of it I sort of felt like there wasn't the connection that there should be. But then my brain invents reasons to run screaming from romance so I decided to wait it out.
Today I get a text explaining that while he recognized my figure is pleasing to many men, he personally prefers a slimmer woman and therefore doesn't see much compatibility between us.
Now...let's put aside the many responses having to do with HIM that I could blog about at this point. Because that's not what's important. I will say I hope he learns that while we first meet someone with our eyes, total compatibility has to do with way more than looks but that's neither here nor there.
At that very moment, for some reason that is STILL a mystery to me, I...me...Nikki...let those words take away all of what I know is PHENOMENAL progress over the last 5 years. I know I've done well. I know where I came from. I know where I want to go and what I have to offer. but in that few moments after getting that text message it didn't matter. All I heard was that I was not good enough.
I hate that. I hate lacking self confidence. It's a part of the old me. While there are parts of the old me I did like (and wish I could get back! like my ability to be peaceful in solitude), this is one thing I did not like. I don't like the way I felt in those few moments and I don't like the way I feel now remembering those few moments.
So I started to think about the ways I feel like I am inadequate. Reasons I perceive a person (but especially a romantic interest) might reject me:
I put those out there not to down myself, but to get it out there into the air. This is me. This is the person that I am and those are some things about me that don't make me feel confident about myself. Some of them I have some control over, some of them I do not.
It's just crazy because I let this kind of stuff drive me to being alone again. Alone, while a bit depressing, is familiar. No rejection. No guessing games. Just me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to run from the risk of sharing myself with others. But I have to get over this inadequacy thing.
Problem is, I don't know how. My instinct tells me I could have all the plastic surgery in the world. I could get hair implanted in my head and have a glam squad follow me two paces behind at all times, but unless I get to the root cause of why I felt inadequate in the first place, and until I get to the truth, I will keep returning to how I feel right this very moment.
So..perhaps that's the next leg of this journey for me.
Today's bout started with a guy I met. (This, by the way, is why I generally limit my exposure to guys. I don't know why I put so much currency in what they say, do and think but I do and it screws me up every time!)
He didn't do anything wrong. We met, we talked, we sort of hit it off and decided to do the proverbial first "coffee date" to see if we clicked (we met online). It was a pleasant coffee date, but at the end of it I sort of felt like there wasn't the connection that there should be. But then my brain invents reasons to run screaming from romance so I decided to wait it out.
Today I get a text explaining that while he recognized my figure is pleasing to many men, he personally prefers a slimmer woman and therefore doesn't see much compatibility between us.
Now...let's put aside the many responses having to do with HIM that I could blog about at this point. Because that's not what's important. I will say I hope he learns that while we first meet someone with our eyes, total compatibility has to do with way more than looks but that's neither here nor there.
At that very moment, for some reason that is STILL a mystery to me, I...me...Nikki...let those words take away all of what I know is PHENOMENAL progress over the last 5 years. I know I've done well. I know where I came from. I know where I want to go and what I have to offer. but in that few moments after getting that text message it didn't matter. All I heard was that I was not good enough.
I hate that. I hate lacking self confidence. It's a part of the old me. While there are parts of the old me I did like (and wish I could get back! like my ability to be peaceful in solitude), this is one thing I did not like. I don't like the way I felt in those few moments and I don't like the way I feel now remembering those few moments.
So I started to think about the ways I feel like I am inadequate. Reasons I perceive a person (but especially a romantic interest) might reject me:
- I used to be very big. I'm not anymore but I have the body of...a person who used to be very big.
- I'm going bald. I'm not yet, but one day I will lose all of my hair and will either present myself as bald or wear wigs.
- My house always kinda looks like a cyclone ran through it.
- I'm ALWAYS trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. I rarely have that much expendable income.
- I never learned how to be one of the "party people" and am, in fact, very socially awkward
I put those out there not to down myself, but to get it out there into the air. This is me. This is the person that I am and those are some things about me that don't make me feel confident about myself. Some of them I have some control over, some of them I do not.
It's just crazy because I let this kind of stuff drive me to being alone again. Alone, while a bit depressing, is familiar. No rejection. No guessing games. Just me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to run from the risk of sharing myself with others. But I have to get over this inadequacy thing.
Problem is, I don't know how. My instinct tells me I could have all the plastic surgery in the world. I could get hair implanted in my head and have a glam squad follow me two paces behind at all times, but unless I get to the root cause of why I felt inadequate in the first place, and until I get to the truth, I will keep returning to how I feel right this very moment.
So..perhaps that's the next leg of this journey for me.
Accountability
I'll do a deep thought post later. For now I want to tap this out for some level of accountability. Even if only to shame myself if I don't do this and have to look at it in print afterward.
The past few weeks I've been participating in my own promotion on Bariatric Foodie called The Bariatric Foodie Pledge. I actually used this opportunity to improve my gym compliance because I'd gotten damn lazy!
So now that I am back in the proverbial "swing of things" I want to keep the momentum going so I tapped out a rough workout schedule I intend to follow:
Sunday: Running with Katey at the lake (usually 3.9 - 4 miles)
Monday: Evening spin class
Tuesday: Morning Body Pump (weight lifting) class
Wednesday: Rest day/church
Thursday: Morning Body Pump class
Friday: Mix-it-up day in the fitness room (probably a combo of the rowing machine, bike and elliptical)
Saturday: Double spin class in the morning
This is a bit ambitious but I am committed and I am gonna try! This isn't so much for weight loss though. I just feel very kick ass after I've completed a good work out. It makes me feel strong and capable and just plain good. So I'm going to try to keep with it.
If anyone is reading, feel free to ask me about it at any time. I need as much accountability as I can get!
The past few weeks I've been participating in my own promotion on Bariatric Foodie called The Bariatric Foodie Pledge. I actually used this opportunity to improve my gym compliance because I'd gotten damn lazy!
So now that I am back in the proverbial "swing of things" I want to keep the momentum going so I tapped out a rough workout schedule I intend to follow:
Sunday: Running with Katey at the lake (usually 3.9 - 4 miles)
Monday: Evening spin class
Tuesday: Morning Body Pump (weight lifting) class
Wednesday: Rest day/church
Thursday: Morning Body Pump class
Friday: Mix-it-up day in the fitness room (probably a combo of the rowing machine, bike and elliptical)
Saturday: Double spin class in the morning
This is a bit ambitious but I am committed and I am gonna try! This isn't so much for weight loss though. I just feel very kick ass after I've completed a good work out. It makes me feel strong and capable and just plain good. So I'm going to try to keep with it.
If anyone is reading, feel free to ask me about it at any time. I need as much accountability as I can get!
