Sunday, July 15, 2012
4 and a HALF years post-op thankyouverymuch
Ok, so admittedly I haven't been keeping this blog up. I started Bariatric Foodie and it sort of took over my life.
But I'm going to start with this one again because I need a place to just be me. Not "post-op" me...just regular old me who happens to have had weight loss surgery. And I figure since this blog doesn't get a lot of traffic it'd be a great place to vent too.
So...I'm baaaaaaack.
Since last I wrote so much has happened. Of course I am four and a HALF years post-op now. I've lost all the weight I'm going to lose through surgery and have hopefully gained everything I will have gained back. My net loss is 127 lbs. I can't be mad at that as it's a huge amount of weight to lose.
I think the most significant thing that's happened since last I posted here is that my mom died. I'm going to get into that more in individual posts so I won't speak about it too in-depth in this one. I will say, though, that grief is an interesting thing. It's been nearly four months since she died and I'm just getting to the point where the mantra is not going in the back of my head "my mother is dead, my mother is dead, my mother is dead..." and folks have hugged me and patted me and sent cards and flowers and now life is getting back into a rhythm. But every once in a while I run into someone who hasn't seen me since they heard the news and I get "the condolence."
Now you can't be mad at the condolence. It is an expression of care. And you expect it for the first few weeks following a death. But when you're working hard to create a "new normal" and figure out what to do with the giant empty space left open in your life by a loved one who isn't there anymore, the condolence, at this stage, is almost like getting slapped upside the head for no apparent reason. It comes from the left, you aren't sure at first why it happened and you're even more unsure what to do about it.
That happened to me today. I also had a drifting off moment. Those are also happening less frequently. When I drift off thinking of some big implication of my mom not being here anymore. I was talking to a friend of mine about my birthday last year and I thought about how my mom and I went out for sushi, as we always did. It was almost an epic fail. My birthday fell on a Sunday and our regular sushi place was somehow closed. We ended up finding another nice one (one with all women sushi chefs - girl power!). I smiled as I thought about that but the VERY next thought was "I didn't know that was going to be my last birthday with my mother." Which lead to "what am I going to do on my birthday now?" and "what am I going to do on HER birthday now?" and even sillier and more selfish "she was the only person who ever bought me Christmas presents."
Obviously there are a million and two reasons I miss my mama but those just came to me at that moment and I got really sad. I'm still figuring out how to deal with this, how to feel, where to put these feelings. I am proud to say I have not put them in my mouth thus far with food. We'll see if that keeps. Cuz these days I have the ability to way overeat should I choose to. The fact that I've not chosen to is a big source of pride.
But I'm going to start with this one again because I need a place to just be me. Not "post-op" me...just regular old me who happens to have had weight loss surgery. And I figure since this blog doesn't get a lot of traffic it'd be a great place to vent too.
So...I'm baaaaaaack.
Since last I wrote so much has happened. Of course I am four and a HALF years post-op now. I've lost all the weight I'm going to lose through surgery and have hopefully gained everything I will have gained back. My net loss is 127 lbs. I can't be mad at that as it's a huge amount of weight to lose.
I think the most significant thing that's happened since last I posted here is that my mom died. I'm going to get into that more in individual posts so I won't speak about it too in-depth in this one. I will say, though, that grief is an interesting thing. It's been nearly four months since she died and I'm just getting to the point where the mantra is not going in the back of my head "my mother is dead, my mother is dead, my mother is dead..." and folks have hugged me and patted me and sent cards and flowers and now life is getting back into a rhythm. But every once in a while I run into someone who hasn't seen me since they heard the news and I get "the condolence."
Now you can't be mad at the condolence. It is an expression of care. And you expect it for the first few weeks following a death. But when you're working hard to create a "new normal" and figure out what to do with the giant empty space left open in your life by a loved one who isn't there anymore, the condolence, at this stage, is almost like getting slapped upside the head for no apparent reason. It comes from the left, you aren't sure at first why it happened and you're even more unsure what to do about it.
That happened to me today. I also had a drifting off moment. Those are also happening less frequently. When I drift off thinking of some big implication of my mom not being here anymore. I was talking to a friend of mine about my birthday last year and I thought about how my mom and I went out for sushi, as we always did. It was almost an epic fail. My birthday fell on a Sunday and our regular sushi place was somehow closed. We ended up finding another nice one (one with all women sushi chefs - girl power!). I smiled as I thought about that but the VERY next thought was "I didn't know that was going to be my last birthday with my mother." Which lead to "what am I going to do on my birthday now?" and "what am I going to do on HER birthday now?" and even sillier and more selfish "she was the only person who ever bought me Christmas presents."
Obviously there are a million and two reasons I miss my mama but those just came to me at that moment and I got really sad. I'm still figuring out how to deal with this, how to feel, where to put these feelings. I am proud to say I have not put them in my mouth thus far with food. We'll see if that keeps. Cuz these days I have the ability to way overeat should I choose to. The fact that I've not chosen to is a big source of pride.
