Thursday, November 15, 2012
The Holiday Blues
I never understood them but I guess this year I am bound for them. Christmas is approaching and I don't care. And that's so foreign to me because I want to care. Mostly because I know I usually do care. I want the joy and the wonder. I want to be happy about all this. But in a world where I will never again see my mother open up a Christmas present, where she'll never make Thanksgiving dinner again, where we'll never again go to sushi for my birthday or crabs for hers, I just can't get that excited about it.
I'm going to Melaney's house for Thanksgiving. The girl's paternal aunt is like my sister, yes. But I think I'm also mourning the fact that I don't have any close blood relations around me. There are cousins. Lots of them, in fact. But I don't feel connected to them. They don't call me. I'm not included on invitation lists. I don't take that personally. I wasn't raised to be a part of their social circle and I never really expected to be. So I miss my brother. And I long to hold my baby niece and just be around my family.
This year I again made myself busy with a bunch of stuff. I can't help but remember that in years past this kept me from spending as much time with mom as I could have. And I always had that excuse handy. "I'm busy!" I'm generally not a big fan of regret, but I will admit that I do regret not spending as much time with her as I could. And I regret not pushing harder for her to take care of herself. And I regret not getting over my childhood issues and just loving on her while she was here.
And I'm mad. My birthday is coming up. And I don't want it to. I don't want to celebrate the day that I was born without the person who gave birth to me. I don't want the Facebook well wishes, I don't want presents, I very much want this to be an ordinary day. I mean, it's my 36th birthday. It's not like it's a milestone. We'll just chill out on the birthday front until 40, by which time I should have it all together, right?
I dunno. I'm holding it together. Kinda. Kinda not. Everything is different. EVERYTHING is different. And I don't like it. I don't know what normal is anymore. I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just this person who walks through life but I don't feel very connected to anything.
So Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa. I'll be in bed.
I'm going to Melaney's house for Thanksgiving. The girl's paternal aunt is like my sister, yes. But I think I'm also mourning the fact that I don't have any close blood relations around me. There are cousins. Lots of them, in fact. But I don't feel connected to them. They don't call me. I'm not included on invitation lists. I don't take that personally. I wasn't raised to be a part of their social circle and I never really expected to be. So I miss my brother. And I long to hold my baby niece and just be around my family.
This year I again made myself busy with a bunch of stuff. I can't help but remember that in years past this kept me from spending as much time with mom as I could have. And I always had that excuse handy. "I'm busy!" I'm generally not a big fan of regret, but I will admit that I do regret not spending as much time with her as I could. And I regret not pushing harder for her to take care of herself. And I regret not getting over my childhood issues and just loving on her while she was here.
And I'm mad. My birthday is coming up. And I don't want it to. I don't want to celebrate the day that I was born without the person who gave birth to me. I don't want the Facebook well wishes, I don't want presents, I very much want this to be an ordinary day. I mean, it's my 36th birthday. It's not like it's a milestone. We'll just chill out on the birthday front until 40, by which time I should have it all together, right?
I dunno. I'm holding it together. Kinda. Kinda not. Everything is different. EVERYTHING is different. And I don't like it. I don't know what normal is anymore. I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just this person who walks through life but I don't feel very connected to anything.
So Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa. I'll be in bed.
