Friday, February 26, 2010
So after one week, here's what I know...
I love to eat. I really do. I don't eat nearly as much as I used to but I love to eat.
Is that a bad thing? Perhaps. But I do notice that since I've been trying not to nosh my compulsive thoughts are through the roof! Whereas they used to be just a lull in the back of my head, they now scream at me--eat! eat! EAT!!!!
This weekend I am doing some experimenting for Bariatric Foodie so I am sure to get tastes of things here and there. But now I am wondering if my efforts are misplaced. Not that I can't do it. I can. I know I can. And of course it would be a good reminder of Christ's sacrifice, but do I pay more homage to Him by suffering or by working toward the kind of world He worked toward while on earth?
Zariyah came home from church with an idea Wednesday night after church. She went upstairs, found a shoe box, decorated it and labeled it "donations for Maryland Food Bink" (I forgive her for the misspell...she's only in 2nd grade!). Instead of trying to torture myself because Christ was tortured, maybe I should focus more on feeding the hungry. Christ said "...for I was hungry and you fed me...i was thirsty and you gave me water...just as you have done it for the least of these who are members of my family, you have done it for me..." (very bad paraphrase of Matthew 25:35).
This is not me justifying. I realize the noshing has to get under control. I haven't had any regain since my bounce-back but still...it isn't good to eat all the time. But I am really wondering what my point is here?
Still contemplating. More later.
Is that a bad thing? Perhaps. But I do notice that since I've been trying not to nosh my compulsive thoughts are through the roof! Whereas they used to be just a lull in the back of my head, they now scream at me--eat! eat! EAT!!!!
This weekend I am doing some experimenting for Bariatric Foodie so I am sure to get tastes of things here and there. But now I am wondering if my efforts are misplaced. Not that I can't do it. I can. I know I can. And of course it would be a good reminder of Christ's sacrifice, but do I pay more homage to Him by suffering or by working toward the kind of world He worked toward while on earth?
Zariyah came home from church with an idea Wednesday night after church. She went upstairs, found a shoe box, decorated it and labeled it "donations for Maryland Food Bink" (I forgive her for the misspell...she's only in 2nd grade!). Instead of trying to torture myself because Christ was tortured, maybe I should focus more on feeding the hungry. Christ said "...for I was hungry and you fed me...i was thirsty and you gave me water...just as you have done it for the least of these who are members of my family, you have done it for me..." (very bad paraphrase of Matthew 25:35).
This is not me justifying. I realize the noshing has to get under control. I haven't had any regain since my bounce-back but still...it isn't good to eat all the time. But I am really wondering what my point is here?
Still contemplating. More later.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Road Block #1
I am NOT pleased to report that yesterday I had my first “breech of promise.” I could blame the soy crisps…I really could…those bastards are really good and addictive…but it isn’t their fault. It’s MY fault. I am a compulsive eater. I can’t get around that.
That is not to say that it’s not something I can live with, but that I personally am powerless over it and that I do need a power greater than myself to deliver me from it. Because when you are stuffing your face when you are already nauseous from stuffing your face and yet you are unable to stop…that’s bad.
Today is much more manageable. Something about being busy keeps me on track. And having a plan in place. On weekdays I go to work and I come home and I do all the things that I need to do in life and I am o.k. On the weekends? I lose my ever-loving mind.
Mind you, going into this endeavor I knew it would be a hard promise to keep. Damn near impossible in fact. But you know why I did it? Because the commitment to keep at it despite my stumbles, I think, will make me stronger. And so the beat goes on.
That is not to say that it’s not something I can live with, but that I personally am powerless over it and that I do need a power greater than myself to deliver me from it. Because when you are stuffing your face when you are already nauseous from stuffing your face and yet you are unable to stop…that’s bad.
Today is much more manageable. Something about being busy keeps me on track. And having a plan in place. On weekdays I go to work and I come home and I do all the things that I need to do in life and I am o.k. On the weekends? I lose my ever-loving mind.
Mind you, going into this endeavor I knew it would be a hard promise to keep. Damn near impossible in fact. But you know why I did it? Because the commitment to keep at it despite my stumbles, I think, will make me stronger. And so the beat goes on.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 3: Meatless Fridays
Another Lenten commitment I've made is to not do meat on Fridays. This is largely a Catholic tradition but one I've always found enlightening. In many parts of the world, people don't eat meat everyday and have to find other ways to get protein and other nutrients. And you know what? Many of them are far healthier than me so there must be something to that.
Anyhoo...one might think getting protein in without meat is difficult. Not so much. I do use protein supplements but I vowed not to do any extra on meatless Fridays. For breakfast I had what has become a staple--peanut butter oatmeal. For lunch a salad topped with tuna. My snack was cheese and for dinner...
Interestingly enough, although my family (mom, brother, etc.) is vehemently against meatless Fridays (too big a sacrifice) everyone naturallly gravitated toward seafood. My brother bought some catfish for us to cook but we ended up eating Chinese--seafood combination and shrimp egg foo young. The Lord works in mysterious ways!
So far as the noshing thing...my brain has taken to trying to find justifications for snacking. It is a favorite passtime...I have not given in (yet) nor do I plan to, but interesting how addiction has its own unique logic.
Anyhoo...one might think getting protein in without meat is difficult. Not so much. I do use protein supplements but I vowed not to do any extra on meatless Fridays. For breakfast I had what has become a staple--peanut butter oatmeal. For lunch a salad topped with tuna. My snack was cheese and for dinner...
Interestingly enough, although my family (mom, brother, etc.) is vehemently against meatless Fridays (too big a sacrifice) everyone naturallly gravitated toward seafood. My brother bought some catfish for us to cook but we ended up eating Chinese--seafood combination and shrimp egg foo young. The Lord works in mysterious ways!
So far as the noshing thing...my brain has taken to trying to find justifications for snacking. It is a favorite passtime...I have not given in (yet) nor do I plan to, but interesting how addiction has its own unique logic.
Labels: Lent promise 2010
Day 2: Mutany at the pouch!
After yesterday’s experience being able to eat a big ol’ salad, I am now sort of on guard for any other extraordinary pouch abilities.
To get my daily fluid intake, I usually keep big containers around in which I mix up Crystal Light to get my fluids. Well today I had a 1.5 liter bottle that used to hold Lipton Diet Green Tea. Well this morning I was thirsty so I’m sipping, and sipping, and gulping, and sipping…and before I knew it I was 8 oz. from finishing the whole bottle—that’s 50 oz. of fluids in less than 30 minutes!!!
This begs the question: wonder pouch or mutant pouch?
Since about month 6 post-op I’ve always been able to eat more than other post-ops. The beginning was rough for me with eating. First I could not eat very much and everything I did eat made me sick. Then I could (probably) eat more but I willfully chose not to (what happened to THOSE days, huh???). Now I eat. A bit too much I think, but not bad stuff, still…I eat.
The tricky part is learning not to develop insecurities about how much I can eat vs. how much weight I’ve lost. Were it not for my best friend Lee (who can eat as much as I can and is TINY) I would think that I had totally failed at this thing. That’s crazy of course because I’ve lost 150 lbs. But still…when in the vortex this means nothing. All that really matters is the fact that I don’t yet look like Beyonce, mkay?
This morning I did something I rarely do. I gave myself permission to have exactly what I wanted for breakfast the way I wanted to have it. I wanted peanut butter oatmeal. ½ c. quick oats + 1 tbsp of peanut butter + some Splenda and a little bit of sugar-free breakfast syrup and cinnamon (side note: if at this point you feel any inclination to post a comment about how you could NEVER eat that much, consider these loving words: suck it!). Anyway, love at first bite! I say this not to chronicle all my food choices for the day (cuz I’m not going to) but to say this: when you let your insecurities go for a minute, interesting things happen. The meal was 240 calories. Probably more carbs than I consumed in my entire first 6 months…and I was so satisfied that I didn’t think of food again until noon (I ate this at about 6).
This makes me wonder if half the battle with weight loss is neurosis? First let me say I am NOT advocating that everyone give themselves permission to eat endless amounts of Oreos or anything like that. There are some things that, when you are trying to lose weight, are just a universally bad idea. But I get neurotic about eating too many carrot sticks. Am I somehow sabotaging myself with these worries? I know worrying produces cortisol which makes people (especially women) hold onto fat so maybe I should go with a more “don’t worry, be happy” mentality. Over the past few years I’ve worked hard to change the types of food I like. I don’t like greasy, fried food. I don’t like white carbs. I’m much more excited by carrot sticks than I am about bread or pasta. And, yes, I love nuts and nut butters. So long as that stays the same…should I maybe lighten up a bit?
Interesting thoughts happening over here…
To get my daily fluid intake, I usually keep big containers around in which I mix up Crystal Light to get my fluids. Well today I had a 1.5 liter bottle that used to hold Lipton Diet Green Tea. Well this morning I was thirsty so I’m sipping, and sipping, and gulping, and sipping…and before I knew it I was 8 oz. from finishing the whole bottle—that’s 50 oz. of fluids in less than 30 minutes!!!
This begs the question: wonder pouch or mutant pouch?
Since about month 6 post-op I’ve always been able to eat more than other post-ops. The beginning was rough for me with eating. First I could not eat very much and everything I did eat made me sick. Then I could (probably) eat more but I willfully chose not to (what happened to THOSE days, huh???). Now I eat. A bit too much I think, but not bad stuff, still…I eat.
The tricky part is learning not to develop insecurities about how much I can eat vs. how much weight I’ve lost. Were it not for my best friend Lee (who can eat as much as I can and is TINY) I would think that I had totally failed at this thing. That’s crazy of course because I’ve lost 150 lbs. But still…when in the vortex this means nothing. All that really matters is the fact that I don’t yet look like Beyonce, mkay?
This morning I did something I rarely do. I gave myself permission to have exactly what I wanted for breakfast the way I wanted to have it. I wanted peanut butter oatmeal. ½ c. quick oats + 1 tbsp of peanut butter + some Splenda and a little bit of sugar-free breakfast syrup and cinnamon (side note: if at this point you feel any inclination to post a comment about how you could NEVER eat that much, consider these loving words: suck it!). Anyway, love at first bite! I say this not to chronicle all my food choices for the day (cuz I’m not going to) but to say this: when you let your insecurities go for a minute, interesting things happen. The meal was 240 calories. Probably more carbs than I consumed in my entire first 6 months…and I was so satisfied that I didn’t think of food again until noon (I ate this at about 6).
This makes me wonder if half the battle with weight loss is neurosis? First let me say I am NOT advocating that everyone give themselves permission to eat endless amounts of Oreos or anything like that. There are some things that, when you are trying to lose weight, are just a universally bad idea. But I get neurotic about eating too many carrot sticks. Am I somehow sabotaging myself with these worries? I know worrying produces cortisol which makes people (especially women) hold onto fat so maybe I should go with a more “don’t worry, be happy” mentality. Over the past few years I’ve worked hard to change the types of food I like. I don’t like greasy, fried food. I don’t like white carbs. I’m much more excited by carrot sticks than I am about bread or pasta. And, yes, I love nuts and nut butters. So long as that stays the same…should I maybe lighten up a bit?
Interesting thoughts happening over here…
Friday, February 19, 2010
Project: No-Nosh Nikki (Day 1)
You ever have a moment when you committed to something and felt REALLY good about it? Empowered even?
Then, in the moment after, did you think to yourself, “what the hell did I just do to myself???”
That’s sort of how I feel about this “no-noshing” Lent promise I made. Do I really propose to stick to a food plan again? And not eat ANYTHING in between? But what if one of the kids get French fries and I want 3 (or 7)? What if someone makes something good and I want just that one little bite? Nothing? For real? For serious?
Yesterday, overall, went well. We had a mishap with dinner so it had to be replaced by two small snacks but I give myself a pass on that one because it was sort of out of my hands.
I had a nice experience yesterday followed by a sort of scary revelation. I went to Cross Street market to go to Pop Taco (a little stand that sells Mexican-esque) food. I ordered a burrito bowl with fish and the guy is asking me if I want this or that. He asks if I want rice and I say, “no…this would be the lower carb burrito bowl please.” He looks at me quizzically and says “why? You’re in great shape. You can afford the carbs!” I think I may have blushed. In the past I would have made some self deprecating comment but yesterday I said, with confidence, “I want to stay that way…which is why I’ll be eating no rice…”
Took the salad back to my office…and ate the whole thing! Now mind you I got this same salad two weeks ago and could barely finish half. Yesterday? The whole thing. Oy. If I remember correctly though last time I got the rice. This time I had salad greens, onions, peppers, the fish, some salsa verde, some Monterey jack cheese and a tablespoon each of sour cream and guacamole. So not a lot of density going on there.
That and I have the wonder pouch so…there ya go…
As a part of this no-nosh thing I gave myself permission to eat as much as I felt comfortable eating at a sitting. Those who know me know I can’t do satisfied. I have to do full. In doing this, I may have doomed myself to failure but oh well. The calories from the extra few bites of my healthy meal dwarf in comparison to the many bites of “in between stuff” I am capable of eating so in my opinion it’s all for the greater good.
My big learning from day one is that I have all the strategies in place to be successful at this. I just wasn’t using them. On purpose. And to me it is infinitely more helpful figuring out why than even the original experiment itself. If I ask myself why, and keep asking, and come up with an answer, the noshing thing will work itself out.
So that is part of my challenge for Lent—to figure out why I willfully ignore the strategies I know will make me successfully eat less. In essence, I seek to figure out now why I am eating what/how much I am eating, but what’s eating me. (that was SO cliché)
Then, in the moment after, did you think to yourself, “what the hell did I just do to myself???”
That’s sort of how I feel about this “no-noshing” Lent promise I made. Do I really propose to stick to a food plan again? And not eat ANYTHING in between? But what if one of the kids get French fries and I want 3 (or 7)? What if someone makes something good and I want just that one little bite? Nothing? For real? For serious?
Yesterday, overall, went well. We had a mishap with dinner so it had to be replaced by two small snacks but I give myself a pass on that one because it was sort of out of my hands.
I had a nice experience yesterday followed by a sort of scary revelation. I went to Cross Street market to go to Pop Taco (a little stand that sells Mexican-esque) food. I ordered a burrito bowl with fish and the guy is asking me if I want this or that. He asks if I want rice and I say, “no…this would be the lower carb burrito bowl please.” He looks at me quizzically and says “why? You’re in great shape. You can afford the carbs!” I think I may have blushed. In the past I would have made some self deprecating comment but yesterday I said, with confidence, “I want to stay that way…which is why I’ll be eating no rice…”
Took the salad back to my office…and ate the whole thing! Now mind you I got this same salad two weeks ago and could barely finish half. Yesterday? The whole thing. Oy. If I remember correctly though last time I got the rice. This time I had salad greens, onions, peppers, the fish, some salsa verde, some Monterey jack cheese and a tablespoon each of sour cream and guacamole. So not a lot of density going on there.
That and I have the wonder pouch so…there ya go…
As a part of this no-nosh thing I gave myself permission to eat as much as I felt comfortable eating at a sitting. Those who know me know I can’t do satisfied. I have to do full. In doing this, I may have doomed myself to failure but oh well. The calories from the extra few bites of my healthy meal dwarf in comparison to the many bites of “in between stuff” I am capable of eating so in my opinion it’s all for the greater good.
My big learning from day one is that I have all the strategies in place to be successful at this. I just wasn’t using them. On purpose. And to me it is infinitely more helpful figuring out why than even the original experiment itself. If I ask myself why, and keep asking, and come up with an answer, the noshing thing will work itself out.
So that is part of my challenge for Lent—to figure out why I willfully ignore the strategies I know will make me successfully eat less. In essence, I seek to figure out now why I am eating what/how much I am eating, but what’s eating me. (that was SO cliché)
Labels: Lent promise 2010
