The Frazzled Scribe

Dealing with some feelings of inadequacy right now. And they come up in the funniest ways.

Today's bout started with a guy I met. (This, by the way, is why I generally limit my exposure to guys. I don't know why I put so much currency in what they say, do and think but I do and it screws me up every time!)

He didn't do anything wrong. We met, we talked, we sort of hit it off and decided to do the proverbial first "coffee date" to see if we clicked (we met online). It was a pleasant coffee date, but at the end of it I sort of felt like there wasn't the connection that there should be. But then my brain invents reasons to run screaming from romance so I decided to wait it out.

Today I get a text explaining that while he recognized my figure is pleasing to many men, he personally prefers a slimmer woman and therefore doesn't see much compatibility between us.

Now...let's put aside the many responses having to do with HIM that I could blog about at this point. Because that's not what's important. I will say I hope he learns that while we first meet someone with our eyes, total compatibility has to do with way more than looks but that's neither here nor there.

At that very moment, for some reason that is STILL a mystery to me, I...me...Nikki...let those words take away all of what I know is PHENOMENAL progress over the last 5 years. I know I've done well. I know where I came from. I know where I want to go and what I have to offer. but in that few moments after getting that text message it didn't matter. All I heard was that I was not good enough.

I hate that. I hate lacking self confidence. It's a part of the old me. While there are parts of the old me I did like (and wish I could get back! like my ability to be peaceful in solitude), this is one thing I did not like. I don't like the way I felt in those few moments and I don't like the way I feel now remembering those few moments.

So I started to think about the ways I feel like I am inadequate. Reasons I perceive a person (but especially a romantic interest) might reject me:

1. I used to be very big. I'm not anymore but I have the body of...a person who used to be very big.
2. I'm going bald. I'm not yet, but one day I will lose all of my hair and will either present myself as bald or wear wigs.
3. My house always kinda looks like a cyclone ran through it.
4. I'm ALWAYS trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. I rarely have that much expendable income.
5. I never learned how to be one of the "party people" and am, in fact, very socially awkward

I put those out there not to down myself, but to get it out there into the air. This is me. This is the person that I am and those are some things about me that don't make me feel confident about myself. Some of them I have some control over, some of them I do not.

It's just crazy because I let this kind of stuff drive me to being alone again. Alone, while a bit depressing, is familiar. No rejection. No guessing games. Just me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to run from the risk of sharing myself with others. But I have to get over this inadequacy thing.

Problem is, I don't know how. My instinct tells me I could have all the plastic surgery in the world. I could get hair implanted in my head and have a glam squad follow me two paces behind at all times, but unless I get to the root cause of why I felt inadequate in the first place, and until I get to the truth, I will keep returning to how I feel right this very moment.

So..perhaps that's the next leg of this journey for me.