The Frazzled Scribe

Never underestimate the importance of the sense of touch, friends.

Just recently I decided to stop. Stop tap dancing for attention. Stop trying to hustle may way around my shortcomings. Stop apologizing for who I am not. And just be.

Funny how when you do that, your real need comes to the surface REALLY quickly. The other day I was brooding because the latest guy in the string of guys who make up guys I have dated was not calling me back. I was miffed. And resentful. But very unwilling to just give him the boot. So I began to think about why. Touch.

Hardly anyone hugs me anymore. Nobody holds my hand or caresses my face. There is no significant someone to lay a casual hand on my knee or the small of my back. Every once in a while I get a rare, yet treasured, hug from one of the girls. And of course the dog. The dog has an forever curious nose that will give a nuzzle in exchange for the right to sniff you down.

But I miss being touched and having someone else to touch.

This is not necessarily sexual (although probably partially). Every month I treat myself to a deluxe pedicure and it is pure joy. To feel the warmth of a human hand on my feet. To experience the grittyness of the scrubs they use and the warmth of the water and all the while direct contact with another human being whose job it is to put me at ease. I mean, pretty feet are nice, but the draw is the touch.

But I've been going about this in totally the wrong way. I WAS making it sexual, because that's the easiest way to generate touch in a touchless life. But what I'm coming to realize is that I want that deeper connection inferred by touch. I want the hand on my knee because it is reassuring me that I am safe and loved. I want the nudge of encouragement because someone believes in me and wants me to know it. I want the hug and the kiss on the cheek because someone knows I miss my  mother very much and I need some comfort.

Frankly, you can't get that stuff from a booty call. So here I go again...taking yet another hiatus from male/female relations (or at least an intentional efforts toward the same) in an effort to get a better grasp on exactly what it is I need. Because I feel like if I can clearly articulate what I need then I have a better chance of getting it.

Until then, it's me and the dog.