The Frazzled Scribe

Starting Weight: 327 lbs.
Current Weight: 275 lbs.
Goal Weight: 147 lbs.

It's been a minute since I've updated and there's a lot to tell so let's get to it.

First off, I love my new job as a staff writer. It's very strange to adjust from being a support staff person for so many years to being professional staff. Somehow, though, it coincides with my physical, emotional, and mental transformation resulting from my weight loss surgery. In my experience, harmonious development on this scale can only be orchestrated by God and I give Him all the praises and glory for everything that has happened thus far.

The strangest thing about this new job is watching events come up (like a global staff meeting we have next week) and not being expected to plan the logistics. I keep waiting for someone to ask me to contact caterers or confirm hotel rooms but those requests don't come. Instead, this week I was asked to draft a rather lengthy letter on behalf of my organization's president to a group of constituents. The letter was a challenge for several reasons. First, the president is a pastor and therefore, by nature, very articulate and expressive with his words. Secondly, I had to connect the ministry of my organization to that of a completely different organization. So...how did I do? I rocked it of course! And I managed to hammer out a newsletter story and a few other things the same day. This was Friday which I will deem "Nikki is a Super Woman" day.

On the personal front, things continue to be interesting. Shrek pointed out in the first movie that ogres, like onions, have layers. Well fat people must be like onions too because every week a new layer of me is exposed. I almost feel like I've reverted back to adolesence a bit and am progressing forward. You must understand that as a fat teenager I missed out on a lot of the superficial activities such as fashion trends, dances, rivalries and totally random make-out sessions. I am not currently engaging in all of the above, but I do have this teenage-like need for attention. It's getting a bit disturbing. I gave up dressing provocatively a long time ago (didn't get me anywhere I want to be) but I notice that I feel my best these days when someone--anyone--is appreciating my physical appearance. I am careful to dress my very best (which is very, very new for me to do every day) and my hair must be flawless (or as flawless as my hair can get). Some people call this self esteem, I call it self absorption. There is a difference.

Self esteem is a healthy and balanced knowledge of one's own merits and strengths. This knowledge can and does persist even in cases where those merits and strengths are not affirmed by anyone else. That's not what's going on with me. I need the confirmation. I need people to tell me I look good. I need ogles. I need catcalls. I need to seek therapy because I don't like this. I've never been a big fan of neediness. Yes, the human experience is extremely reliant on interaction with others and those normal and routine interactions are pleasurable for me. But this persistent drive to seek attention is getting on my nerves. I suppose I should be thankful that I at least possess the self awareness to be irritated by this behavior but, like the sappiest and most superficial teenagers I am at a loss of how to put myself in check.

Luckily, while I'm not a great fan of neediness, I am a bonafide lover of processes and I realize this phase is a step in my process. Hopefully I come out the other end happy, beautiful, and self assured. Any other outcome is simply unacceptable!

This has been a good week overall. I started my new job as staff writer for Lutheran World Relief. I managed to look FIERCE every single day of the week and I even lost six pounds (according to my home scale, so let's take this with a good sized grain of salt). Why the post title then? I'll get that insanity out of the way so that I can give you the goods on all the above stuff.

Ok, so everytime I find myself wanting conventional things and I go after them, I just find myself realizing that I really don't want it. Case in point: relationships (of the romantic kind). I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. My rational brain seems to be on board with the idea of settling down, having someone to grow old with, yadda, yadda. But then I meet someone and I take it down a totally different road. Perhaps it's the extra paycheck I'm so over the moon about. I don't know but that's my lesson for the week. If I want something I need to pursue it, but if I get the chance to pursue and I don't I can't want it that bad. Thus, I need to stop wanting what I don't want.

So now that I've thoroughly confused 99.9% of the four people who read this blog, I'll tell you about my new job. I really have no idea what I'll be doing yet. But I don't care if they give me the grunt stuff, or boring stuff, or a lot of stuff because guess what? I'M A WRITER!!!! I am actually doing what it is I went to college to do. I love it. I love the organization, I love their work, I love the fact that the people there like working there. I. Just. Love. It. As I learn more about what I do and whatnot, I'll post the exciting details.

So about this weight loss thing. I have a theory. It's probably wrong. Ok, so I began to lose weight after a very specific chain of events. First, I started this new job and bought new clothes. Second, I skipped workouts for about three days. Third, I had a lapse in my meds (due to finances) for a few days. So #1 could be attributed to Murphy's Law but my theory actually pertains to #2 and #3. I think that skipping workouts actually helped me. I think I had such a high caloric deficit that my metabolism slooooooooooooooooowed to a crawl. I think taking it easy did me some good. Lesson learned: I should probably stick to the 30 minutes a day they told me and keep trying to get in that 800 calories (have not achieved that yet but I'm still trying). #3 is pertinent, but you really don't want to know why except to say that medication can cause certain...blockages that can cause you to weigh more than you should. Get it? Got it? Good.

Lastly, on looking FIERCE (I just love that word. Thank you Christian Siriano for bringing it back). I can see how many WLS patients can turn into shopping addicts. I am fitting in clothes I never fit in before and I just wanted to buy the whole store. Luckily, I decided before going in that I was limiting myself to 5 outfits and that is just what I got. So I am stylin' now, doing my hair everyday, using my ProActive Solution and whatnot. I'm gonna be a hottie.

Surgery date: January 8th
Weight pre-surgery: 326 lbs.
Weight today: 290
Total weight loss: 36 lbs.

Well, there's nothing like a swift kick in the pants to start off your day. According to my bariatric coordinator, I am not eating enough. Go figure. I feel a bit resentful about being told that mostly because I know that already. What I don't know is what to do about it. I am supposed to be taking in about 7-800 calories per day. Thus far, the most I've gotten in a day is about 550. Hell, even after I learned what a state I was in and tried really, really hard to eat more, I still only made it to 560. So I am perplexed. And mad. Not only because I feel like I am failing, but because it is obvious right now that my body is in starvation mode and is trying very hard not to come up off the pounds that I am trying so hard to shed.

So there you have it folks. My life's great irony (read: comedy). I went from being in a situation where my weight loss depended on me eating less to a situation where I can't eat a lot and now my weight loss depends on me eating more. I couldn't have written this story better.

Still...36 lbs. in 2 mos. is not a bad showing, so I'm not complaining but I do want to be successful so I have to keep with it. Keep praying for me.

Well folks it's been a pretty peaceful week or so on this end. I think life may actually be becoming normal for me. Energy is increasing (yadda, yadda), sleeping well (yadda), have no clue how much more weight I've lost but seeing that my caloric count for any given day is rarely more than 500 calories, I'd say that I am continuing to lose, if only because of my negative calorie balance.

This past weekend was a busy one. Friday, I took the girls to their school's karoake night. I've been to these shindigs before so I should know better than to come to one without earplugs and the latest issue of Life and Style magazine but for this one day I thought my kids were more interesting that Britney Spears or Harlow Kate Winter Madden (damn that's a lot of names!). I am proud to say my oldest seems to be coming out of her shell. She performed a record four songs. My youngest and I did several duets, including a very good rendition of "Who let the dogs out." We did, however, completely murder that oldtime karaoke classic "YMCA."

Speaking of YMCA, we've been going at least twice a week for the last few weeks. Nice place. Thus far the only thing for the girls to do is swim, so we have a deal. They act peaceful in child drop-off for an hour and I take them to swim afterward. This seems to be working out well. Those of you who don't have kids, don't let anyone tell you that bribery isn't 50% of the equation. Anywho, the other day while we were in the pool for free swim the most beautifully sculpted male human form sauntered into the pool room and jumped into the lap lane. Now, I should say that I'm a big fan of admiring from afar. I'm not into flirting with any and every guy I find attractive. No, no. Sometimes I just like to look at a person. And look I did. That is, until my six year old, who is attempting to learn wit and snarkiness, called me out in the middle of the pool by telling me to "quit signifyin'" Ordinarily such cheek would be worthy of admonishment but it was so darn funny and cute and it's really hard to admonish while you are laughing your butt off. So I let it slide.

And in the biggest piece of news this week. Drumroll please...I survived my very first black folk function post-surgery!!!!! Those of you who are not black, let me explain. See, in order for a black folk function to be an actual black folk function, certain foods must be present. Among those are: fried chicken (wings especially), potato salad, spaghetti salad (sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it?), deviled eggs, collard greens (cooked in pork fat), green beans (cooked in pork fat), rolls, etc... So of that, what can I eat. See my point here? I was good though. I got myself one of those tiny cake plates and I ate, without trouble, two barbequed meatballs, three cubes of cheddar cheese, and about a tablespoon of drained green beans (sans pork fat). The occasion? My friend Arteasha had a little baby girl (about three weeks early) and it was her baby shower. Mind you, I knew nobody at the table where I was sitting. So naturally, I got the strange looks about my little plate, my teeny food, and how long it was taking me to eat that teeny food. I employed the good ol' Clinton patented "don't ask don't tell." That works. I did notice myself, however, gawking at the portions on other people's plates. Could it be that my perception of a lot of food is changing? Has to be because I was sitting there seriously contemplating how they could eat that much food until I remembered that I used to eat that much food. Yikes. No wonder we're a nation of fat asses.

Ah well...I'll post again on Thursday with a weight update. Until then...healthandfitness...