Saturday, March 29, 2008
The Diva Inside...
Starting Weight: 327 lbs.
Current Weight: 275 lbs.
Goal Weight: 147 lbs.
It's been a minute since I've updated and there's a lot to tell so let's get to it.
First off, I love my new job as a staff writer. It's very strange to adjust from being a support staff person for so many years to being professional staff. Somehow, though, it coincides with my physical, emotional, and mental transformation resulting from my weight loss surgery. In my experience, harmonious development on this scale can only be orchestrated by God and I give Him all the praises and glory for everything that has happened thus far.
The strangest thing about this new job is watching events come up (like a global staff meeting we have next week) and not being expected to plan the logistics. I keep waiting for someone to ask me to contact caterers or confirm hotel rooms but those requests don't come. Instead, this week I was asked to draft a rather lengthy letter on behalf of my organization's president to a group of constituents. The letter was a challenge for several reasons. First, the president is a pastor and therefore, by nature, very articulate and expressive with his words. Secondly, I had to connect the ministry of my organization to that of a completely different organization. So...how did I do? I rocked it of course! And I managed to hammer out a newsletter story and a few other things the same day. This was Friday which I will deem "Nikki is a Super Woman" day.
On the personal front, things continue to be interesting. Shrek pointed out in the first movie that ogres, like onions, have layers. Well fat people must be like onions too because every week a new layer of me is exposed. I almost feel like I've reverted back to adolesence a bit and am progressing forward. You must understand that as a fat teenager I missed out on a lot of the superficial activities such as fashion trends, dances, rivalries and totally random make-out sessions. I am not currently engaging in all of the above, but I do have this teenage-like need for attention. It's getting a bit disturbing. I gave up dressing provocatively a long time ago (didn't get me anywhere I want to be) but I notice that I feel my best these days when someone--anyone--is appreciating my physical appearance. I am careful to dress my very best (which is very, very new for me to do every day) and my hair must be flawless (or as flawless as my hair can get). Some people call this self esteem, I call it self absorption. There is a difference.
Self esteem is a healthy and balanced knowledge of one's own merits and strengths. This knowledge can and does persist even in cases where those merits and strengths are not affirmed by anyone else. That's not what's going on with me. I need the confirmation. I need people to tell me I look good. I need ogles. I need catcalls. I need to seek therapy because I don't like this. I've never been a big fan of neediness. Yes, the human experience is extremely reliant on interaction with others and those normal and routine interactions are pleasurable for me. But this persistent drive to seek attention is getting on my nerves. I suppose I should be thankful that I at least possess the self awareness to be irritated by this behavior but, like the sappiest and most superficial teenagers I am at a loss of how to put myself in check.
Luckily, while I'm not a great fan of neediness, I am a bonafide lover of processes and I realize this phase is a step in my process. Hopefully I come out the other end happy, beautiful, and self assured. Any other outcome is simply unacceptable!
Current Weight: 275 lbs.
Goal Weight: 147 lbs.
It's been a minute since I've updated and there's a lot to tell so let's get to it.
First off, I love my new job as a staff writer. It's very strange to adjust from being a support staff person for so many years to being professional staff. Somehow, though, it coincides with my physical, emotional, and mental transformation resulting from my weight loss surgery. In my experience, harmonious development on this scale can only be orchestrated by God and I give Him all the praises and glory for everything that has happened thus far.
The strangest thing about this new job is watching events come up (like a global staff meeting we have next week) and not being expected to plan the logistics. I keep waiting for someone to ask me to contact caterers or confirm hotel rooms but those requests don't come. Instead, this week I was asked to draft a rather lengthy letter on behalf of my organization's president to a group of constituents. The letter was a challenge for several reasons. First, the president is a pastor and therefore, by nature, very articulate and expressive with his words. Secondly, I had to connect the ministry of my organization to that of a completely different organization. So...how did I do? I rocked it of course! And I managed to hammer out a newsletter story and a few other things the same day. This was Friday which I will deem "Nikki is a Super Woman" day.
On the personal front, things continue to be interesting. Shrek pointed out in the first movie that ogres, like onions, have layers. Well fat people must be like onions too because every week a new layer of me is exposed. I almost feel like I've reverted back to adolesence a bit and am progressing forward. You must understand that as a fat teenager I missed out on a lot of the superficial activities such as fashion trends, dances, rivalries and totally random make-out sessions. I am not currently engaging in all of the above, but I do have this teenage-like need for attention. It's getting a bit disturbing. I gave up dressing provocatively a long time ago (didn't get me anywhere I want to be) but I notice that I feel my best these days when someone--anyone--is appreciating my physical appearance. I am careful to dress my very best (which is very, very new for me to do every day) and my hair must be flawless (or as flawless as my hair can get). Some people call this self esteem, I call it self absorption. There is a difference.
Self esteem is a healthy and balanced knowledge of one's own merits and strengths. This knowledge can and does persist even in cases where those merits and strengths are not affirmed by anyone else. That's not what's going on with me. I need the confirmation. I need people to tell me I look good. I need ogles. I need catcalls. I need to seek therapy because I don't like this. I've never been a big fan of neediness. Yes, the human experience is extremely reliant on interaction with others and those normal and routine interactions are pleasurable for me. But this persistent drive to seek attention is getting on my nerves. I suppose I should be thankful that I at least possess the self awareness to be irritated by this behavior but, like the sappiest and most superficial teenagers I am at a loss of how to put myself in check.
Luckily, while I'm not a great fan of neediness, I am a bonafide lover of processes and I realize this phase is a step in my process. Hopefully I come out the other end happy, beautiful, and self assured. Any other outcome is simply unacceptable!
# posted by Bariatric Foodie @ 9:07 PM 
