The Frazzled Scribe

Today's diatribe: men on dating websites.

Men on dating websites.

Men...on dating websites.

Oh...you men. See, in the beginning I took these sites seriously (And by "these sites" I mean free sites. I'm sure eHarmony doesn't have half as many crazies and if there are then eHarmony has like a cabillionty-seven dimensions of compatibility to match them up with a woman just as crazy as their crazy ass). Nowadays, I use the sites to study. Yes, I study men. It seems increasingly likely that I will neither marry  nor give birth to one, so I get my study subjects where I can, ok???

So if you are on Zoosk, or Yahoo Dating, or Craigslist and ESPECIALLY if you are on POF, men...can I offer a bit of advice?

1. If you are looking for a woman of quality, write something of quality on your profile. We read that shit. You may not, but we do. And we use that shit to determine if we want to deal with your shit. So take that shit seriously.
2. Photos. The following are unacceptable to any woman of quality. Photos of you with: your children (Do you not value their safety??? There are some freakazoids on these sites!), another woman (Hint: we don't know that's your sister/cousin/best friend. To us it's a chick you're with in a picture). You with some other dude with no caption (cuz I don't know which one is you and unless you both look interesting, you may get passed over), you looking like you're having some "me time" (you know what I'm talking about). And my personal pet peeve: baller pictures. Ok, you rode a jet ski. Someone served you a glass of champagne while you happened to be wearing a suit or tuxedo. You went to a beach. So what? 
3. Photos. The following are highly appealing to women of quality. Close ups or tight shots that show something of your personality. Even faux attempts at in-depth photography taken on Instagram. Goofy pictures (that are intentionally goofy). These show INTENT. You thought about what you wanted in that picture and executed. That is a good sign.
4. Your self-description. For the love of everything good and holy please refrain from the following key-words, "Laid back, romantic or affectionate." These are all things best shown, not told. And instead of re-iterating what the site TOLD you to say? Speak to me. Tell me about you. DO NOT say "If you want to know something just ask." I don't know what I want to know about you. I don't even know if I want to know what I want to know about you. So throw me a line here. You obviously think yourself interesting enough that a woman should get to know you. Prove it.
5. Your first message to me. Don't just say hi. What do I do with that? In practice, most of the time I just say hi back. And nothing ever happens. Or the next message is "Can I get your phone number so we can go out sometime?" No, you cannot because a) I value my safety b) I don't know if I like you or am going to and, unlike you, I consider my time valuable and c) no...just no. Also, DO NOT message me a pick-up line. They barely sound cute coming out of your mouth. In print I don't have the benefit of your good looks or well chosen cologne to help me out. I simply press "delete." I will make one exception. If you come with something bold AND can back it up? You will get respect from me. Maybe not any further communication but definitely respect. One devastatingly hot guy (if his pictures can be trusted) once messaged me "You have nice tits." Then had the nerve to have a very well written profile and was, as aforementioned devastatingly hot (if his pictures can be trusted). I didn't message back because...well...I didn't want to come off as THAT type of girl...but still. Props. But unless you are hot beyond all belief you don't get to do that. So don't do it.

"You're just bitter."

"That's why you don't have a man."

"You just need to get some."

Ok, firstly, no I'm not bitter. I just needed an outlet for the riduculosity (yes, I did just make up that word) that is the online dating world. But make no mistake I love it. I love the turnover in guys I experience (I get bored quickly). I love the attention (see the above pic as an example of what's on MY profile). I love playing word ping-pong. I especially love it when I confound a dumb guy with intelligent words. I. Love. Online. Dating. But it is batshit crazy and I have to have somewhere to talk about it.

Secondly, I don't have a man by choice. I could have several at this very moment but...yeah...no. Mostly because I like them all too much to subject them to a relationship with me. I don't say that to say I am a horrible person but I am fairly high maintenance. And stubborn. And set in my ways. And there's this whole problem I have with fidelity. Yeah. Most of the guys who are interested in me are good guys who deserve good girls who will be faithful and true and yadda, yadda. I'm a big believer in "if you can't commit, don't go there." So I am not.

The last statement is probably the most likely to be true. But I have a teenaged daughter and a pre-teenaged daughter so I feel like I should be a bit more sexually responsible than I have been in days past. As such, I have to limit my extra-curricular activities. Sad, I know. But I honestly don't think that has much bearing on my feelings about men on dating websites. I think it makes me a better jogger (that energy has to go somewhere) but men on dating sites...nah. You don't get that energy.

So anyway, this has been yet another Nikki diatribe.

Next blog post (whenever that should happen to happen) will be about the fact that I am seriously considering giving up social media for Lent. Yeah. Once you stop laughing we can discuss.