Saturday, February 16, 2013
Day 3 - Results
No picture today. Just words. And yes I realize this post is a day late.
I've been thinking a lot about the state of my life lately. Why am I where I am? Why am I not in other places where I want to be?
Of course my present life situation is a result of the choices I've made to this point BUT it's also partially a result of the fact that those choices dictated the future choices I had to make.
Let me give an example.
I'm a single mom. When I was 21 I fell in love with a boy and together we made a baby. Then we realized the implications of our whirlwind romance and everything basically fell apart, but not before we made another baby (another few babies, but that's a whole other story).
So here I am, on my own, two kids. After fussing and fighting I get some child support, although not really commensurate to half of what it takes to raise them. And I have stuff to get done. Bills to pay. A mortgage. A care to maintain. Clothes and food to buy. Field trips to pay for. Hair to be done. Just everything.
And so the choices I could have made became mist and evaporated. I couldn't, say, do a year volunteering or interning in the profession of my choice nor could I backpack around Europe or join the Peace Corps or something like that. I wasn't and still am not mad at that but I do see now that where I sit now is partially because I could not make those types of decisions back them.
So now I am 36. Through many years of 18-hour days, 4-hour nights of sleep and more than a few mental breakdowns, I finished college. And I'm even now planning to go to grad school. But I look at some of the other families in my children's school. The ones who can afford an annual vacation. Or new glasses when old ones get broken. Or even frickin Chuck E. Cheese fundraiser night.
This all makes me look at my life - where every spend means a cut, where God help us if I were injured and could not work - and wonder why it's like this. Why am I always robbing Peter to pay Paul? Why am I always trying to make a dollar of fifteen cents. I make good money. Why am I so damn poor???
Which brings me back to Lent. Because to people who struggle, sacrifice is not some noble endeavor. It's life. Now it doesn't come without resentment. I have plenty of resentment about it. But what good does it do to let that show? It's not going to change anything and it just makes me look like kind of an ass, especially considering the work that I do.
In comparison to women who walk miles for water and spend their days bent over crops to feed their families, my life isn't all that tough, no. But it does wear on my soul. I want to give my children more. And not more in the form of iPhones and the latest sneakers. More like a college fund and a generous gift at their college graduation. More like buying them a house as a wedding gift so they can start new lives debt-free. More like that.
As it stands now, the college part I will take care of. I'm committed to working 8 jobs and selling blood if I have to - my children will NOT take out student loans! I guess that's my source of hope at this point. That I will put everything I have into them and pray they make better choices than I did. And that those choices lead to more appealing and plentiful choices in the future.
I've been thinking a lot about the state of my life lately. Why am I where I am? Why am I not in other places where I want to be?
Of course my present life situation is a result of the choices I've made to this point BUT it's also partially a result of the fact that those choices dictated the future choices I had to make.
Let me give an example.
I'm a single mom. When I was 21 I fell in love with a boy and together we made a baby. Then we realized the implications of our whirlwind romance and everything basically fell apart, but not before we made another baby (another few babies, but that's a whole other story).
So here I am, on my own, two kids. After fussing and fighting I get some child support, although not really commensurate to half of what it takes to raise them. And I have stuff to get done. Bills to pay. A mortgage. A care to maintain. Clothes and food to buy. Field trips to pay for. Hair to be done. Just everything.
And so the choices I could have made became mist and evaporated. I couldn't, say, do a year volunteering or interning in the profession of my choice nor could I backpack around Europe or join the Peace Corps or something like that. I wasn't and still am not mad at that but I do see now that where I sit now is partially because I could not make those types of decisions back them.
So now I am 36. Through many years of 18-hour days, 4-hour nights of sleep and more than a few mental breakdowns, I finished college. And I'm even now planning to go to grad school. But I look at some of the other families in my children's school. The ones who can afford an annual vacation. Or new glasses when old ones get broken. Or even frickin Chuck E. Cheese fundraiser night.
This all makes me look at my life - where every spend means a cut, where God help us if I were injured and could not work - and wonder why it's like this. Why am I always robbing Peter to pay Paul? Why am I always trying to make a dollar of fifteen cents. I make good money. Why am I so damn poor???
Which brings me back to Lent. Because to people who struggle, sacrifice is not some noble endeavor. It's life. Now it doesn't come without resentment. I have plenty of resentment about it. But what good does it do to let that show? It's not going to change anything and it just makes me look like kind of an ass, especially considering the work that I do.
In comparison to women who walk miles for water and spend their days bent over crops to feed their families, my life isn't all that tough, no. But it does wear on my soul. I want to give my children more. And not more in the form of iPhones and the latest sneakers. More like a college fund and a generous gift at their college graduation. More like buying them a house as a wedding gift so they can start new lives debt-free. More like that.
As it stands now, the college part I will take care of. I'm committed to working 8 jobs and selling blood if I have to - my children will NOT take out student loans! I guess that's my source of hope at this point. That I will put everything I have into them and pray they make better choices than I did. And that those choices lead to more appealing and plentiful choices in the future.
# posted by Bariatric Foodie @ 8:41 AM 
