Thursday, August 09, 2012
I'm ok/I'm not ok
So this would be the time of the year I'd ordinarily start stressing about my mom's birthday on September 14.
You see, my mother was very particular about her birthday.
She was an only child (read: indulged) and expected to be celebrated on her birthday. Woe to he or she who did not celebrate Ms. Rikki Fernandez on her birthday!!!
As the day approaches, all this "ok-ness" I thought I built up is proving to be a veil of smoke. I'm not ok. Everytime I talk about her I get weepy. I come across pictures and I break down. I hear songs on the radio and near about lose it. Hell, the other day I heard Beyonce's song "I was here" and that about made me crash my car into something.
I was talking to a friend last night about some of the feelings that have been coming to the surface. One pertinent one is about how I feel un-anchored. Like the other day I went out for a LONG walk (my coping mechanism these days) and it was dark when I returned home. I live in Baltimore. Not the safest city. My kids are with their dad for the summer (who is happily married to someone who is not...um...me).
If I were to be mugged and killed on the way home, how long would it take for anybody to notice? And who would arrange my funeral?
It's a stupid thought, I know. But when my mom was alive I had concrete answers to those questions. My mother could find me no matter where I was. She used to have these "gut feelings" about me. I remember when I was carrying my oldest daughter I went to the ER because I THOUGHT my water had broken. I told no one because I didn't want to be one of those pregnant chicks that had a million false alarms. I wasn't due to go anywhere with my mom and I hadn't been out of touch for a long period of time and yet while waiting to be seen in the ER a nurse poked her head in and said "Ms. Massie? Your mother is on the phone."
She knew where her baby was. And if something happened to me (God forbid because she would have thought that a pain worse than even the worst death of her own), she would bury me. She would care for my children. She would be there.
I have my brother. And I love him. He's young and starting a family of his own. I have cousins I never knew very well. I still have a dad, although we don't speak much. And I know I need to get better with my family relationships. I do. Because right now I just feel like I don't come from anywhere and I know I do. I am just not connected to those people the way I was connected to her.
So I'm ok. But I'm not ok.
And it's going to be this way for a while.
You see, my mother was very particular about her birthday.
She was an only child (read: indulged) and expected to be celebrated on her birthday. Woe to he or she who did not celebrate Ms. Rikki Fernandez on her birthday!!!
As the day approaches, all this "ok-ness" I thought I built up is proving to be a veil of smoke. I'm not ok. Everytime I talk about her I get weepy. I come across pictures and I break down. I hear songs on the radio and near about lose it. Hell, the other day I heard Beyonce's song "I was here" and that about made me crash my car into something.
I was talking to a friend last night about some of the feelings that have been coming to the surface. One pertinent one is about how I feel un-anchored. Like the other day I went out for a LONG walk (my coping mechanism these days) and it was dark when I returned home. I live in Baltimore. Not the safest city. My kids are with their dad for the summer (who is happily married to someone who is not...um...me).
If I were to be mugged and killed on the way home, how long would it take for anybody to notice? And who would arrange my funeral?
It's a stupid thought, I know. But when my mom was alive I had concrete answers to those questions. My mother could find me no matter where I was. She used to have these "gut feelings" about me. I remember when I was carrying my oldest daughter I went to the ER because I THOUGHT my water had broken. I told no one because I didn't want to be one of those pregnant chicks that had a million false alarms. I wasn't due to go anywhere with my mom and I hadn't been out of touch for a long period of time and yet while waiting to be seen in the ER a nurse poked her head in and said "Ms. Massie? Your mother is on the phone."
She knew where her baby was. And if something happened to me (God forbid because she would have thought that a pain worse than even the worst death of her own), she would bury me. She would care for my children. She would be there.
I have my brother. And I love him. He's young and starting a family of his own. I have cousins I never knew very well. I still have a dad, although we don't speak much. And I know I need to get better with my family relationships. I do. Because right now I just feel like I don't come from anywhere and I know I do. I am just not connected to those people the way I was connected to her.
So I'm ok. But I'm not ok.
And it's going to be this way for a while.
# posted by Bariatric Foodie @ 7:56 AM 
