The Frazzled Scribe

So I think Beyonce is on E. For real.

Has anybody seen her latest video “Déjà vu?” Well, let me give you the quick and dirty (pun intended) summary. Jay-Z raps in his trademark oversized t-shirt (which I’m convinced hides man boobs of some sort, but since I super-love him I forgive that) and baggy jeans, Beyonce dances in about fifty outfits of varying skimpiness and ridiculousness (the most ridiculous—in my humble opinion—being Tina Knowles’ take of an African tribal woman) and a lot of gyrating. So here’s my case that she’s on E:

Tell-tale weight loss

I can imagine one of two scenarios: the first, obviously, is crack/E. We saw it with Whitney, getting skinnier and skinnier until she looked like the Crypt-keeper. Now the more realistic situation probably is that B and company have been listening to that horrible, horrible Hollywood image machine that says women must be super-thin with their pelvic bones jutting outand no-you-may-not-have-a-bootie. Well, B still has a booty, I will applaud her for putting her foot down (or her metabolic system for outright refusing to give it up). She’s not skinny-skinny (yet) but I sense she’s heading toward that magical place where Nicole Richie lives and where Lindsay Lohan took a vacation for a little while. And B’s got height on her so you know that won’t be pretty.

The “I can make you feeeeeeeeeeel good” image

Ok, I can usually get down with Beyonce (and Destiny’s Child’s) funky dance moves. Their choreographer is either challenged, delusional, or looking to exact revenge on the girls for reasons unknown, but those moves directly on Jay-Z’s person were kind of…I don’t know…strange. He just went on talking like she wasn’t there while she popped gum and tugged at his belt buckle. Now if that don’t spell, “I’ll go down on you for a hit” I don’t know what does.

Crazy Legs/Crazy vocal chords

Ok so we’ve already established that the choreography is whack (do people still say that?) but what exactly do I find so offensive? First off, she is dancing too damn hard for the tempo of the song. It’s like she has something to prove in her own head that none of us will ever know about. This kind of thing works for new performers who have a lot to prove, but B—honey…sweetheart—you managed to sell us a song called “Bootylicious.” I think you’ve paid your dues. At one point I was really expecting B to pass out from exhaustion. Somebody get B a glass of water.

And why is she yelling at us through the entire song? Ok, I get it. You feel like he’s everywhere you go (paranoia), she sees him everywhere (delusions) and you need to express this but, as I say to my 4 year-old all the time, could you use inside voices please?

So in conclusion…

I’m very disappointed with her career thus far. What happened to really good music from women? I mean it’s a sad, sad statement when I like Paris Hilton’s song better than Beyonce’s (and that I like Paris’ video a whole, whole lot more). Christina Aguilera’s new album even looks more promising than B. I’m afraid girlfriend is getting ready to implode due to her own fabulosity.

So anyone out there who reads this (does anyone read this): light a candle for Beyonce.