The Frazzled Scribe

Well, after numerous commercials promising the best awards show ever, I have concluded that the Grammys is the most boring award show of all of them. Now, you have to have a certain amount of ridiculousness tolerance to watch award shows in the first place. The essential components of award shows demand it. First you have the celebrities. They are the building blocks of the award shows. Without them, nobody would watch the show, right? Well, the celebrities show up dressed in outfits that cost more than most people's cars and they pose on another essential element of the awards shows: the red carpet. Now the red carpet is really deep. I think it actually qualifies as a discourse community unto itself. The red carpet, for those of you who have been in a comatose for the last...oh, fifty years, is the place where the celebrities make their grande entrance to the show. What's interesting about the red carpet, in my humble opinion, is the pathology exhibited. Celebrities exit their vehicles (the make and model of which, surprisingly, are unimportant--apparently any form of limo will do) and step onto the red carpet. Every few steps the paparazzi (which doesn't quite qualify as an element of the awards shows but who deserve an honorable mention) becon to them to "strike a pose" and, almost lustfully, the celebrities comply. Now I, like many others, watch red carpet preview shows and what I tend to wonder as I watch with glazed over eyes and a gaping, drooling mouth (I mean, really, Roberto Cavalli should be a right not a privilege) is...what is this person's date thinking? I mean, is it possible to hold a normal conversation on the red carpet. And if the date, poor soul, happens to be from the dreaded non-celebrity realm, what do they do. I mean, they're in the pictures. I don't think some of you get the impact of that statement, so I'll restate a little louder. THEY'RE IN THE PICTURES. Just think about it. It's amazing in and of itself that you know someone going to the Grammys, much less someone who is nominated for one but then they want to invite you. I mean, who the hell are you? Then you have to get all dolled up (no doubt by a celebrity "stylist"--imagine getting paid to read Vogue and go shopping every day), get your hair and make up done and by the end of it you look in the mirror and even you are asking "who the hell are you?" and you get in the limosine and go the award show red carpet and your date is ignoring you because he's flashing 70 million watt smiles at the paparazzi. So what do you do? Clearly, you are not as glamorous. Clearly, you are not who the viewers of the pictures will be looking at (unless you happened to end up in the hands of a demon stylist who totally screws you up). Do you try to smile? Do you put on your best "pleasantly bored" expression (which, really, would be pointless because Paris Hilton has that bag all tied up). I mean, what do you do? Anywho...it is about these poor lost souls that I think when I watch the Grammys.

Ok, so besides the celebrities and the red carpet there is one more essential element to a good awards show (and by good I mean you spend the entire next day IM'ing your friends to talk about the show and its impact on "the world" instead of working, causing your job to fork over huge amounts of cash to increase its firewall capacity). That element, which was painfully missing from last night's Grammys was...DRAMA!!! There was no drama, there was only celebrities all dressed up getting awards, and who the hell wants to see that? On the MTV VMAs when Madonna kissed Britney (and Christina thankyouverymuch), that was an awards show. On the AMA's when Kanye West got beat out by Gretchen Wilson and was left in the middle of the aisle stuck in a self congratulatory stance, that was a moment. When a drinking, drugging rock star has the nerve to preach about politics and telling us to vote (like he will), that was a moment. When they dredged Axel Rose from whatever rock he was hiding under to play with a band that in no way, shape or form resembled Guns 'N Roses, that was entertainment. What occurred last night...there isn't even a word for it.

However, thanks to the wonder of TiVo, I was able to extract some interesting moments that I have yet to see commented upon by other journalists when talking about the award shows. I would say they are my Top 10, but they aren't in any specific order and if I think of more than 10 I'm going to list them.

1. NOTE TO THE GORILLAZ: You guys are animated which was cool for, maybe, ten minutes. But now we're bored with you. The very fact that you're animated dictates that you do something other than strike a Nirvana-esque pose and do your best impression of every alternative rock artist of the 1990's. And by the way, underwear boy is so not hot!

2. Madonna: Keep on weeny rollin'!

3. Kelly Clarkson really could have thanked American Idol in some form. I mean, I know it's a Cheezy Show but, dammit, don't be afraid of where you came from!

4. Did anyone else notice that Bono managed to make it through an entire show without giving a political manifesto?

5. Kanye West give it up. The chest thing...not gonna happen.

6. Is it me or has Mariah Carey put on some weight? Also, has she just been screaming so long and passing it off for music that she doesn't know how to sing in normal octaves anymore. Finally, it was sooooo apparent that her lack of decollage was because of her duet with Hezekiah Walker's choir. You can't fool us, Mariah, we know you're a freak.

7. NOTE TO THE SOUND EFFECTS GUY: When U2 wins an award, U2's song should play, not Kanye Wests. I know Bono is from the UK but that's a pretty big leap.

8. Based on her singing last night, can we safely label Ciara as the black Britney Spears?

9. Two notes on Sly Stone. #1 Was it just me or did he look like that really hard core Gremlin in Gremlins 2? (Ok, that was mean) #2 Was his abrupt entrance and exit onstage a sign that he, too, thought this "tribute" was the lamest thing ever.

10. And speaking of that performance, did anybody notice Randy Jackson playing the guitar in the background? Holla......!

11. Now back to Mariah (or, rather, post Mariah). Did Teri Hatcher really say she felt like she was "saved" by Mariah's Performance?

12. And speaking of saved, Kanye West and Jamie Foxx totally saved that awards show from fading into obscurity.

13. Did anyone else notice that Paul McCartney looked a little apprehensive about standing too close to Jay-Z?

14. Why the hell didn't Green Day perform? Oh yeah, because American Idiot came out two friggin' years ago!!! Get with the times Grammy. If Green Day can still win an award for that album (which rocked by the way), then Jamie Foxx should have qualified for his debut album.

And finally...

15. Big-Ups to John Legends momma, jumpin' and carryin' on like that. Her hat actually managed to upstage will.i.am's grandmomma. And while we're on John Legend (who is my babydaddy by the way), did he really thank someone named "Pookie" in his acceptance speech or did I just have fuzz in my ear?

Anyway, that's all the stuff that really mattered during the 3.5 hour long Grammy awards show (did I mention it was 3.5 hours long?). If you liked my blog, hit me up and show me some love.

Until the next big, ridiculous moment I am yours truly...